As I previously stated in the last post, Kendall gave me direction. Pre-Kendall, I lived a very free and easy, almost totally selfish life, but my life post-Kendall has had more of a defined direction: Adulthood. I'm still very laid back (to a fault maybe - I've lost jobs because I didn't express enough "energy" or "enthusiasm" in interviews), and I do have a "free and easy" mentality when it comes to most things.
I hope I didn't paint a bad picture of my mama in my last post, as she is extremely important to me and we share so many qualities and she is the only one that understands me sometimes. She also has a free and easy way about her as well, and I get a lot of my personality and temperment from her, a lot of my free and easiness if you will.
So, you may be asking yourself, what does "free and easy" mean exactly? Well, for me at least, it means that I never take myself or things too seriously. I usually am able to stay very calm in the face of intense adversity, handle stress very well, and prefer spontaneity and going with the flow over planning and someone dictating to me. I never thought I would give marriage a second of thought before 30, and always knew I would either be in California after college or working at a resort in Hawaii just so I could enjoy the beach and paradise giving no thought to money. I always thought that I had the rest of my life to "grow up" and take on all the stresses and realities of adulthood, and that I had a choice to prolong my youth as long as I wanted: I didn't want to waste my life. Who knows, maybe my life would have gone down that road if I had made different choices, but, just as unknown, is whether or not I would even be happy with that life choice? I, also - unlike most people in my family and the South - don't consider Democrat a bad word, and am probably the only registered Democrat in my family, but I am because it fits who I am (it took me a while to figure that out). The book "Blue Like Jazz", I can actually say changed my life and made me look at my beloved religion (Christianity) in a very different way. I don't believe in bigotry, being judgemental, or holier than thou, but, rather I try to give everyone the same chance and I put myself in their shoes before making any assumptions or judgements.
So, I may not be as bohemian as I thought I once would be. I may not be without a lot of the attachments and responsibilities I have today, but I still have the same attitude and outlook on life. My wife on the other hand, is the polar opposite, but we complement each other very well; and have even begun to rub off on each other. My life may be different than I thought it would've been ten years ago, but I believe (and this is what's important) that the me of ten years ago would still recognize and be proud of the me of today. So, the road may be a different one than I anticipated, but I still go free and easy down it.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Timing Is Everything
I've been thinking about what sequence I want my posts to go in. Do I want to do it chronologically? Do I start from a specific, character-defining moment? Do I start from today and go backwards, or do I just go with whatever is on my mind and keep writing from that perspective with no definite point or direction? Well, I guess I will start with when I started to believe Kendall (my wife) was different than any other girl I had dated, and the vision of a long future together began incubating in my head.
It was early December, 2006, and I had gone through a very tumultuous couple of years. Actually, my life had be pretty much in a constant state of turmoil since my parents' divorce in 1993, but it had gotten almost out of control the past few years, and, quite honestly, I didn't recognize who I had become. In September of 2006, a relationship I had been in for almost 18 months had abruptly ended - and it was completely my fault, as I was probably the worst boyfriend in the history of relationships -, and everything went from bad to worse in a hurry. After almost two months of living in a constant daze, I was sitting on the couch in my house, watching TV by myself (I had become accustomed to this because my roomates always stayed the night with their girlfriends), and I had an epiphany. It was almost like an out of body experience where I was standing over myself, and, very condemning, said (or thought): "What are you doing with your life? You're almost 24 and no closer to graduating than you were when you first moved here two years ago, you treated a good girl like crap for a year and a half, you have a part-time job as a teller that doesn't pay anything, so what the hell are you doing with your life?" Looking back my life was still very much salvageable albeit with much change, but that epiphany really scared me and motivated me to make some changes. The problem is, I didn't know how or where to begin.
So, shortly after that night I started hanging out with Kendall. We had been working together for several months, had even hung out once before and talked a lot, but never thought about each other on any level outside plutonic. Really by happenstance we hung out for the first time. It was at our branch manager's house; I was watching the Iron Bowl with here husband (they're from Alabama), and sent a text message to see if she wanted to come hang out with us. I never thought she would say yes, but she did, and we hung out all day. The next day she came over to watch the LSU/Arkansas game at my house and, as they say, was all she wrote. It all started out really unassuming and innocent, but quickly turned into more than either of us (or anyone else for that matter) every imagined. I had never experience so much chemistry with someone ( cheesy I know), especially that quickly, and it had never been so easy to be with someone. Honestly, it was like we had known each other for years, and knew when and what adjustments to make in order to keep everything flowing smoothly. But, really the defining moment for me that this was different came when I first met her parents.
To understand this I have to give you some background on me. As I mentioned, my parents divorced when I was ten, and I didn't have the best relationship with my mom - she wasn't the most "motherly" mom, and this fact was exacberated by the fact that, in high school, all the mothers on my baseball team were the most "motherly" mothers I had ever been around and never, ever missed a game. I was a three-year letterman and can count on one hand how many games my mom watched me play. Also, my senior year we got into a fight over nothing and I moved/was kicked out and went to live with my dad. The only thing that probably salvaged our relationship was my step-dad's near-fatal accident my freshman year in college (we are good today though). So, my first meeting with Kendall's parents was very surpising to me. I have always been good with parents, but didn't like meeting them, especially as of late. Remember, I was still trying to figure out what and how to change. But, surprisingly, everything felt very, very natural, and, just like everytime I was around Kendall, I felt like I had been around them my whole life. I caught myself paying more attention to Kendall's mom than anyone else though. She just gave off a very good vibe to me, and, I was proved right, seemed to be just a very good, compassionate, loving, "motherly" mother.
She was designed to be a mother, and she is wonderful at it. She brings a level of safety and comfort that only certain mothers can bring. It didn't stop with her though. A few weeks later Kendall and I went to Oxford, Mississippi, to babysit her niece and nephew while her sister and brother-in-law went out for their anniversary. This is where I got to see how Kendall interacted with children (which was the last thing I thought I would notice and take back with me from our trip), but, like her mother, she was such a natural with the kids and had that "motherly" quality. I'm sure there are some Freudian reasons behind this being such an attraction to me, but I loved watching her with the children (not in a creepy way!). I felt like she would make a great mother, and, most importantly, the kind of mother I wanted for my children. FYI these characteristics are also prevalent in her two sisters, and on a trip to the Delta six months later, her brother-in-law told me that he and her sister may not get along everyday, but he knew he could trust her, that she would never cheat on him, and he would never be able to find another woman that could be as good or a better mother than she is to their children. He said it was ingrained in them, that they get it from their mother. That confirmed the ideas I had already developed, and made me love her even more.
Was my attraction due mostly to the fact that my life had been in a perpetual state of instability, and Kendall's life represented the antithesis to mine (much, much more on that later)? Was it because my epiphany had frightened me into wanting to "grow up" as soon as possible, and Kendall was a great segue-way to get there? Was it just that we were meant to be togehter: our destiny per se? I don't know what it was that made me feel that she was the one. Maybe it was all of the above plus some. Maybe it was divine intervention only. Whatever the reason, I do believe that she, in her own way, saved me. Saved me from myself? Saved me from the big bad world (maybe offered my insulation from the big bad world fits better here)? I don't know, but I do know that I thank God everyday that he brought her into my life, and I know I would not be who I am today if it weren't for her. She gave me direction.
It was early December, 2006, and I had gone through a very tumultuous couple of years. Actually, my life had be pretty much in a constant state of turmoil since my parents' divorce in 1993, but it had gotten almost out of control the past few years, and, quite honestly, I didn't recognize who I had become. In September of 2006, a relationship I had been in for almost 18 months had abruptly ended - and it was completely my fault, as I was probably the worst boyfriend in the history of relationships -, and everything went from bad to worse in a hurry. After almost two months of living in a constant daze, I was sitting on the couch in my house, watching TV by myself (I had become accustomed to this because my roomates always stayed the night with their girlfriends), and I had an epiphany. It was almost like an out of body experience where I was standing over myself, and, very condemning, said (or thought): "What are you doing with your life? You're almost 24 and no closer to graduating than you were when you first moved here two years ago, you treated a good girl like crap for a year and a half, you have a part-time job as a teller that doesn't pay anything, so what the hell are you doing with your life?" Looking back my life was still very much salvageable albeit with much change, but that epiphany really scared me and motivated me to make some changes. The problem is, I didn't know how or where to begin.
So, shortly after that night I started hanging out with Kendall. We had been working together for several months, had even hung out once before and talked a lot, but never thought about each other on any level outside plutonic. Really by happenstance we hung out for the first time. It was at our branch manager's house; I was watching the Iron Bowl with here husband (they're from Alabama), and sent a text message to see if she wanted to come hang out with us. I never thought she would say yes, but she did, and we hung out all day. The next day she came over to watch the LSU/Arkansas game at my house and, as they say, was all she wrote. It all started out really unassuming and innocent, but quickly turned into more than either of us (or anyone else for that matter) every imagined. I had never experience so much chemistry with someone ( cheesy I know), especially that quickly, and it had never been so easy to be with someone. Honestly, it was like we had known each other for years, and knew when and what adjustments to make in order to keep everything flowing smoothly. But, really the defining moment for me that this was different came when I first met her parents.
To understand this I have to give you some background on me. As I mentioned, my parents divorced when I was ten, and I didn't have the best relationship with my mom - she wasn't the most "motherly" mom, and this fact was exacberated by the fact that, in high school, all the mothers on my baseball team were the most "motherly" mothers I had ever been around and never, ever missed a game. I was a three-year letterman and can count on one hand how many games my mom watched me play. Also, my senior year we got into a fight over nothing and I moved/was kicked out and went to live with my dad. The only thing that probably salvaged our relationship was my step-dad's near-fatal accident my freshman year in college (we are good today though). So, my first meeting with Kendall's parents was very surpising to me. I have always been good with parents, but didn't like meeting them, especially as of late. Remember, I was still trying to figure out what and how to change. But, surprisingly, everything felt very, very natural, and, just like everytime I was around Kendall, I felt like I had been around them my whole life. I caught myself paying more attention to Kendall's mom than anyone else though. She just gave off a very good vibe to me, and, I was proved right, seemed to be just a very good, compassionate, loving, "motherly" mother.
She was designed to be a mother, and she is wonderful at it. She brings a level of safety and comfort that only certain mothers can bring. It didn't stop with her though. A few weeks later Kendall and I went to Oxford, Mississippi, to babysit her niece and nephew while her sister and brother-in-law went out for their anniversary. This is where I got to see how Kendall interacted with children (which was the last thing I thought I would notice and take back with me from our trip), but, like her mother, she was such a natural with the kids and had that "motherly" quality. I'm sure there are some Freudian reasons behind this being such an attraction to me, but I loved watching her with the children (not in a creepy way!). I felt like she would make a great mother, and, most importantly, the kind of mother I wanted for my children. FYI these characteristics are also prevalent in her two sisters, and on a trip to the Delta six months later, her brother-in-law told me that he and her sister may not get along everyday, but he knew he could trust her, that she would never cheat on him, and he would never be able to find another woman that could be as good or a better mother than she is to their children. He said it was ingrained in them, that they get it from their mother. That confirmed the ideas I had already developed, and made me love her even more.
Was my attraction due mostly to the fact that my life had been in a perpetual state of instability, and Kendall's life represented the antithesis to mine (much, much more on that later)? Was it because my epiphany had frightened me into wanting to "grow up" as soon as possible, and Kendall was a great segue-way to get there? Was it just that we were meant to be togehter: our destiny per se? I don't know what it was that made me feel that she was the one. Maybe it was all of the above plus some. Maybe it was divine intervention only. Whatever the reason, I do believe that she, in her own way, saved me. Saved me from myself? Saved me from the big bad world (maybe offered my insulation from the big bad world fits better here)? I don't know, but I do know that I thank God everyday that he brought her into my life, and I know I would not be who I am today if it weren't for her. She gave me direction.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
First Blog
What is fetterlike? If that's what you're asking yourself, I'm sure you're not alone. I would like to apologize first and foremost for any grammatical errors, so please feel free to not call me out on any of them. So, what is fetterlike? Since my first choice, likeafetter.blogspot was taken, that was the next title I came up with. It comes from the hymn "Come Thou Fount", and that song always brings me back to the small, Southern Baptist church I grew up in. The faint smell of natural gas, the hardness of the wooden pews, and the darkness of the sanctuary with its dark purple carpet and pews (with the pews being a shade or two lighter for whatever reason), the stained-glass windows and the almost omnipotent presence of my grandmother at the piano come to mind everytime I hear that song. In the third verse it says: "Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above". Honestly, I had to look up the meaning of fetter (which means to bind or shackle), and I thought it fit perfectly with my theme: life's effects on marriage and God, both of which I feel binded to (in a good way, not like in bondage or anything, well, maybe kind of, but, still, not in a bad way), experiences with both, and what I've learned or taken from those experiences. The first few blogs will probably be cathartic for me, as they will be about things that have happened (some of which I've dealt with, some of which I haven't, and some of which I think I've dealt with but may find out I really haven't), so, it could get interesting. I've never been a huge fan of blogging (or any social network period) because I thought it displayed (unapologetically) blatant narcissism. This is not an act of narcissism for me, but hopefully an outlet where I put myself out there and heal what needs to be healed, change what needs to be changed, and continue in my endeavor of continuing personal growth. So, as I am binded to my God by faith and salvation; to my wife by our vows; to my family by blood; I will stive to be bound to this, and through this, will hopefully offer humor, consolation, perspective, and identification to someone in a familiar place where I was, where I am, or where I'm trying to go. Well, let's begin the ride shall we?
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